The pull to the dark side, the pull to escape

Luke-Skywalker-missing-Dark-Side-Star-Wars

I’m still sober, or at least I haven’t been drinking. So, yay.

Work is going really well. Things are clicking in a major way. So much so that when my boss was out of town last week, and I met with his boss, he said, YOU ARE SHINING.

So, yay.

At home…things are so much better than they were two years ago. I just sort of re-noticed this as I was walking up to my office this morning. As in, far fewer conflicts. A lot more communication that helps to avoid conflicts.

So…yeah, you get it. Yay.

Except.

I’ve basically just replaced my alcohol abuse with food. I keep gaining weight, can’t get back to any real motivation to do something about it. Mentally, this puts me in a similar place (though not nearly as awful) as I was in with booze. Meaning…lots of thoughts about my mortality, I’m killing myself with food, I’m going to die young and leave my kids motherless.

Not pretty.

I know that this is entirely my responsibility. My mental health, I mean. I have been doing zero about it. I haven’t been coming here, I haven’t been going to therapy, I haven’t been doing positive affirmations or chakra meditations or anything that I know I need to do to battle this lifelong attraction to darkness and self-… self-… hmmm. This lifelong habit of not loving and taking care of myself.

But writing is healing. More importantly connecting here is healing. And it seems like just this one action has the potential to stoke an ember into flame.

And I’ve been sober for 136 days.

Love and light to you. And to me too.

❤ D

10 thoughts on “The pull to the dark side, the pull to escape

  1. Replacing alcohol with food sums up my addiction perfectly. I am been food sober since this past December and attending OA Skype meetings. The attention and practice of the steps is more intense and insightful than in my previous 30 years of alcohol sobriety.

    Best wishes

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Take that shining light and start giving it back to yourself.
    Do those things you know help.

    I can only say I’ve been there and it truly is more self care and self love that helps.

    You are worthy,vital and enough. Just as you are. Repeat repeat repeat.

    Stay close. You can do this.

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Dinah,
    The wanting to ‘get out’, today I discovered just another way I do it: I have gathered lots of people around me who are in trouble. And then I am troubled with them. 😦 This morning at work, in my head I drew up a list of friends, family and acquantances who are in trouble I found more troubles than joy. I realised they exactly keep me away from what I think I need to do. So yes: the way out, it takes many shapes and the addict within keeps looking to use it as an way to NOT deal. 😦 When I read your story I think: make it easier on yourself, just make life easier, and sweeter so you don’t have to look for it in (sweet?) food.

    When I look at myself, doing the same thing I think: stupid fat cow, no wonder people don’t like you, no wonder you screwed up your life. Blaablablablabla… 😦

    The most profound thing, eventhough I do not really know what that word means, but I think it is the good word, I heard about ‘getting out’ is: addicts want to get out, they just take the wrong way.

    And: addicts mix up transcendance with ‘getting out’. Spiritual growth, development of Self and self, I’m guessing that is the thing. Which is, bwaaahaha, obviously why I have not been doing that lately. :-/ Time to write I guess. 🙂

    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. I can relate to all of this. It’s nice to hear from you and reconnect here. I’ve been away too long. That idea about making life sweeter for myself…very interesting. I always love your metaphysical connections. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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