My word of the year: Trust

Will you still need me, will you still feed me? (When I have 64 days sober?)

This is a long post that started out being just about what’s been up with me lately, but toward the end I realized that everything I’m writing about is related to my anxiety and my depression. Which in turn reminded me of Anne’s post about Faith, which in turn reminded me that after reading that post I realized that my word for 2016 needs to be Trust. Perhaps one day I will graduate to Faith, Anne. 🙂

Why trust? Because I lately have noticed that I have none. In anything. And that this is in fact exactly what has hardened me so much…in every area of my life. This year I want to become able to trust people again. My husband, for starters. Myself even before him. But also, I want to be able to look people in the eye without judgment or fear, regardless of how well I know them. I think I know how I got here, and for me this is a huge discovery. Knowing what I’ve been lacking, naming it, has empowered me so much. And so now, to move forward. I will learn to trust again.

starry sky

Today we spent the whole cold and muddy day tramping through beautiful forest, riding ponies, playing hide and seek, watching happy dogs and kids run and run and run, feeding horses and ducks, eating sandwiches and just being. And being happy about it.

I have been so depressed, it’s been scary. I’ve been off of work since the 18th of December, and to be honest I’m not looking forward to returning tomorrow! I am, however, choosing to trust that things will be okay. And that I can play a role in things going okay.

Christmas was a little better this year than last, but it took longer than usual for me to let go of recent work conflict and anxieties, and then there was some last-minute shopping, and creating a nice space downstairs (because upstairs is in remodel mode, with plastic sheeting and scaffolding and all)…and then wrapping presents, making a nice meal, inviting a friend, then going to my M-I-L’s for a couple of days, then….gahhhhh.

At that mid-point in the holiday my husband and I managed to have a fight which I believed at the time necessitated packing myself and my kids up and spending a night in a hotel in Nice. We said some awful things to each other, and I was convinced for a period of about 48-72 hours that it was time for me to get a divorce (again).

This time we managed to shield the kids from most of it, particularly the after-brooding. And I didn’t have to convince them at all that we were having a little adventure. They loved spending a night in a hotel with me and going to get pizza and gelato in Place Massena.

The next day instead of my usual tactic of apologizing and crying in guilt for the sake of ending the argument, I stood my ground and told my husband what I needed. I did apologize for my part, of course, but from an adult mode instead of a needy child mode. That felt good. And that “little” change has helped me to start trusting myself a little more.

We both know we need couple’s therapy. Our dynamic has become entrenched and…being in our 7 year itch period of marriage, I think we’re just not as giving and forgiving of each other’s…uh…idiosyncrasies. As I’ve realized more profoundly recently, my husband and I work at different speeds, and that he sometimes finds my (energy?) overwhelming and oppressive. On the contrary, I view him as fairly lazy most of the time and just wish he would do things voluntarily, without needing to be told.

Patterns…patterns…let’s break them with love shall we?

Since that day I’ve been communicating a lot better…specifically, I’ve just been asking my husband to do what I want him to do, instead of demanding he be psychic and forcing him to deal with my passive aggressive comments. And for his part, he’s been doing what I’ve been asking without question, and thanking me for asking and communicating. And you know, he’s been doing a lot of things voluntarily. Perhaps lately I just haven’t noticed how much he does.

So. Today I had an old but new again realization that perhaps my level of stress and anxiety has been coloring everything and making life generally difficult for everyone around me…at work and at home. I’ve known this for a long time/realized it many times and then forgotten it again. Today I’m actually intimidated by this knowledge…that I have so much power to influence those around me, and that I have been choosing to use that power negatively.

Rather than whip myself about the head and shoulders I want to focus on the fact that if I do indeed have the power to affect those within my sphere, then I have the power to affect people in a positive way as well. I just have to start doing it.

During the last couple of months this has seemed either impossible or at the very most – fleetingly possible. I’ve just been feeling so low and utterly powerless over everything. But then…I’ve been reading so many good things about how our wishes are simply projections of our own true capabilities…that I believe and know that a sober me can actually overcome this intensely negative worried state of mind.

And there it is again. I need to just trust that:

  • Things are going to work out.
  • I am capable.
  • I am enough.
  • I am loved.
  • I can be myself.
  • I have everything I need.
  • You will need me and you will feed me.

It is very good to be sober today, my dears. Very good indeed.

Much love and beautiful wishes for a peaceful, joyful 2016.

~D

P.S. This photo is my nephew’s! He’s 24 years old and travels the world shooting video and pictures of nature for his own company…he’s awesome. He also sort of hooked up me and my husband by corralling us to work on his first movie when he was 16. ❤

17 thoughts on “My word of the year: Trust

  1. Faith and trust are two powerful words.

    Somehow I needed the spirituality of faith. I spend a lot of time questioning if I am enlightened. Why should I doubt that I am? Faith.

    I completely relate to your post. My own ability to communicate my needs and wants and expectations has really developed in sobriety. I can look at situations from my husbands viewpoint. And I’ve learned that just because I want things one way doesn’t mean it’s the right way. Or that he will go along with me.

    It’s made life more interesting. And I think I’m more easy going. Craig might disagree.

    I’m sure this will be an interesting year.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is interesting how sobriety helps us see ourselves and situations more objectively…how life shifts away from my insistence that everything be about Me & What I Think I Need.
      I agree that Faith and Trust are powerful and so closely related…that’s why I said I hope to graduate to Faith one day. I need to open myself up to a spiritual life again. I feel adrift and…thirsty. I’m really hoping that focusing on trusting and having faith in myself and others will lead me back to the idea of God/Goddess/Universal Guidance…Along with realizing how empty i am in the trusting department, I feel so confused spiritually. It would be nice to experience that sense of peace that transcends understanding. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  2. The photo is amazing! I have to return to work tomorrow, too. I’ve been off since I left early on 12/22 to take Sadie to the vet. I’ve gotten used to not accounting for my days in six-minute increments. If only we were women of leisure.

    Trust. Very nice. Wishing you a fabulous 2016, Dinah!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think you are totally on top of this: the only way to change a dynamic is to change your own responses and reactions. The P.A. psychic thing made me laugh- I was HURLING MY THOUGHTS AT HIM REALLY HARD, yet he walked straight past the overflowing trash bin. WTF?? Communicating– who knew?? That works for me, my people respond to “will ya please”, but I get where you’re coming from.
    Also, I am very happy you decided to use your power for good instead of evil:) Very responsible of you.
    Also I really like your word! It makes me think of that thing where you have someone stand behind you and you have to trust them to catch you. A lot of control issues come from trust, or lack thereof. Anyway, all good stuff! I have to go back to work tomorrow too:( I’ve been off since 12/23. I also have to go back to class tomorrow night:(((
    I think we’ll make this an awesome week anyway:)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have been rather overwhelmed with work over the last few months and my work stress has caused arguments with my husband. Luckily he recognises it as work stress and knows not to take it personally. After lots of talking he asked me what he could do to help me and I asked if he could ring me every time he left work / was getting in the car to ask me if I needed anything to br picked up from the garage en route home. This has made such a difference to me and to our life. Just that little help means we don’t run out of milk and other basics and it has stopped me feeling like I am juggling absolutely everything. You are gaining so much clarity and better thinking systems now you are not drinking – well done. PS – we spend our summer hols each year in Antibes (and spent last Christmas in Nice) so I can appreciate your childrens’ glee at eating in Place Massena.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Sarah, that’s so cool that you know Place Massena! And I appreciate your advice for communicating even something simple. Last year I asked my husband to take over all kid wrangling on school mornings so I could exercise or meditate. For me that was the one *small* thing that made a big difference. I’m happy you shared this because I need to ask him for this again…I’ve drifted away a bit and need to reclaim that time.

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  5. Wonderful word ‘o the year and stunning photo. Oh god do I relate to what you describe about your marriage and how maybe you hadn’t noticed your husband making an effort. I too feel all powerful sometimes, but in the worst possible way, like I can kill this thing once and for all, but why exactly would I want to do that. Trust is the way to go, I think. Even if we’re not ready to trust a person, we can trust that things will work out, that it will all indeed be okay. (Sometimes we just need to get out of the way.)

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  6. Hi D,
    Sounds like you eh, were at least not bored during the holidays? ;-). Great how you and your husband came back from your clash and started speaking. Lovely. And yes, I do realise it is a Very Bumpy Road you have been walking on. Hats off for coming back so strong.
    And even though I realise that I have not been very available while moaning over my own tiny thingies, I do hope you did not go through all of this alone? You did contact people? Or? Or, haha, well, haha in a sad way, did you do the same thing as I did over Christmas: hide? 😦
    I wish you a very nice, healthy, sober, spiritual 2016 with good communication and a lot of insight in trust. I’m thinking I should put ‘Awareness’ on my egg-timer. Or ‘Money’ 😀 Still need to meditate about it. 😉
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Feeling, I did some hiding and soourme emerging, so better than usual. 🙂 I’m sorry you did feel like hiding and hope that next year, or even maybe…NOW? You will feel like doing more emerging. Christmas is hard, I think. I read something wherein divorce lawyers are busiest on the first business day of the new year. Hmm. Something there. I think we ALL put a lot of unnecessary pressure on ourselves during the holidays. I wish I could escape it. My mother in law offered to take us all to Morocco next year for the holidays…sounds enticing to me! I’ve been longing to get away from the rabid consumerism this time of the year brings…and then if you have any family sadness at all this time can bring up a lot of latent weirdness. By the way, from what I read you are not moaning but trying to figure things out. You really examine what’s going on with you, which is more than most people do, I’ve realized. And your problems aren’t tiny either…we all have things to deal with, don’t we? Sending you a big hug… ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hmmmm 🙂 receiving hug gladly. 🙂
        And yes to the trying to figure stuff out. However, I read an early post of mine from the first weeks of sobriety yesterday and I’m realising that most of the problems I mention there are still alive. 😦 It gets me down, need to work on that. Food for thought and feel. 🙂
        xx, Feeling

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  7. Trust is an awesome word!
    Somehow we have to learn to trust that everything will work out, one way or another.
    Marriage takes a ton of talking and working through things.
    I know this because I am OLD! Ha.
    And I am still married to the same guy forever!
    I used to run away to a hotel too.
    But that was mostly when I was drinking too much.
    I hope work went okay for you!
    xo
    Wendy

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