Will you still need me, will you still feed me? (When I have 64 days sober?)
This is a long post that started out being just about what’s been up with me lately, but toward the end I realized that everything I’m writing about is related to my anxiety and my depression. Which in turn reminded me of Anne’s post about Faith, which in turn reminded me that after reading that post I realized that my word for 2016 needs to be Trust. Perhaps one day I will graduate to Faith, Anne. 🙂
Why trust? Because I lately have noticed that I have none. In anything. And that this is in fact exactly what has hardened me so much…in every area of my life. This year I want to become able to trust people again. My husband, for starters. Myself even before him. But also, I want to be able to look people in the eye without judgment or fear, regardless of how well I know them. I think I know how I got here, and for me this is a huge discovery. Knowing what I’ve been lacking, naming it, has empowered me so much. And so now, to move forward. I will learn to trust again.
Today we spent the whole cold and muddy day tramping through beautiful forest, riding ponies, playing hide and seek, watching happy dogs and kids run and run and run, feeding horses and ducks, eating sandwiches and just being. And being happy about it.
I have been so depressed, it’s been scary. I’ve been off of work since the 18th of December, and to be honest I’m not looking forward to returning tomorrow! I am, however, choosing to trust that things will be okay. And that I can play a role in things going okay.
Christmas was a little better this year than last, but it took longer than usual for me to let go of recent work conflict and anxieties, and then there was some last-minute shopping, and creating a nice space downstairs (because upstairs is in remodel mode, with plastic sheeting and scaffolding and all)…and then wrapping presents, making a nice meal, inviting a friend, then going to my M-I-L’s for a couple of days, then….gahhhhh.
At that mid-point in the holiday my husband and I managed to have a fight which I believed at the time necessitated packing myself and my kids up and spending a night in a hotel in Nice. We said some awful things to each other, and I was convinced for a period of about 48-72 hours that it was time for me to get a divorce (again).
This time we managed to shield the kids from most of it, particularly the after-brooding. And I didn’t have to convince them at all that we were having a little adventure. They loved spending a night in a hotel with me and going to get pizza and gelato in Place Massena.
The next day instead of my usual tactic of apologizing and crying in guilt for the sake of ending the argument, I stood my ground and told my husband what I needed. I did apologize for my part, of course, but from an adult mode instead of a needy child mode. That felt good. And that “little” change has helped me to start trusting myself a little more.
We both know we need couple’s therapy. Our dynamic has become entrenched and…being in our 7 year itch period of marriage, I think we’re just not as giving and forgiving of each other’s…uh…idiosyncrasies. As I’ve realized more profoundly recently, my husband and I work at different speeds, and that he sometimes finds my (energy?) overwhelming and oppressive. On the contrary, I view him as fairly lazy most of the time and just wish he would do things voluntarily, without needing to be told.
Patterns…patterns…let’s break them with love shall we?
Since that day I’ve been communicating a lot better…specifically, I’ve just been asking my husband to do what I want him to do, instead of demanding he be psychic and forcing him to deal with my passive aggressive comments. And for his part, he’s been doing what I’ve been asking without question, and thanking me for asking and communicating. And you know, he’s been doing a lot of things voluntarily. Perhaps lately I just haven’t noticed how much he does.
So. Today I had an old but new again realization that perhaps my level of stress and anxiety has been coloring everything and making life generally difficult for everyone around me…at work and at home. I’ve known this for a long time/realized it many times and then forgotten it again. Today I’m actually intimidated by this knowledge…that I have so much power to influence those around me, and that I have been choosing to use that power negatively.
Rather than whip myself about the head and shoulders I want to focus on the fact that if I do indeed have the power to affect those within my sphere, then I have the power to affect people in a positive way as well. I just have to start doing it.
During the last couple of months this has seemed either impossible or at the very most – fleetingly possible. I’ve just been feeling so low and utterly powerless over everything. But then…I’ve been reading so many good things about how our wishes are simply projections of our own true capabilities…that I believe and know that a sober me can actually overcome this intensely negative worried state of mind.
And there it is again. I need to just trust that:
- Things are going to work out.
- I am capable.
- I am enough.
- I am loved.
- I can be myself.
- I have everything I need.
- You will need me and you will feed me.
It is very good to be sober today, my dears. Very good indeed.
Much love and beautiful wishes for a peaceful, joyful 2016.
P.S. This photo is my nephew’s! He’s 24 years old and travels the world shooting video and pictures of nature for his own company…he’s awesome. He also sort of hooked up me and my husband by corralling us to work on his first movie when he was 16. ❤