The Crucible, 40

crucible
ˈkruːsɪb(ə)l/
noun
noun: crucible; plural noun: crucibles
  1. a ceramic or metal container in which metals or other substances may be melted or subjected to very high temperatures.
    “the crucible tipped and the mould filled with liquid metal”
    a situation of severe trial, or in which different elements interact, leading to the creation of something new.
    “their relationship was forged in the crucible of war”

Skull_Crucible

Sheesh. I’m not happy that it’s been a week since my last post. I’ve had to push myself today to make sure I write something here before I go to bed. This is a pattern of mine and I’m trying to recognize it before I drink again. First, I get SOOPER BIZZY. Then I start feeling really guilty about not commenting on everyone’s posts. Then I really go into the self-bashing about being narcissistic and tell myself I can’t post until I read everyone else’s posts first and comment. So I keep not posting, but then the problem only grows because there are more posts to read and comment on and well, you get the picture. It’s one of the ways I isolate from one of my only sober support systems, and I don’t want to do that.

The truth is that in many many ways I know I’m doing better, that I’m starting to get to some real healing.

  • I’ve been reading some passages from the Big Book and find them comforting, remembering my years in AA a-way back when. Also remembering the people I met in the rooms and the relationships I developed. It’s lovely to remember those beautiful people and how much they loved and helped me. I was kind of a kid back then, 23-25 years old.
  • I’ve been reading posts and pondering them, even without having time to comment thoughtfully. I have a whole post planned in response to e12P’s recent thoughts on counting days. I’m always thinking about my sweet friend Feeling. I’ve been thoroughly enjoying all of Prim‘s posts, including her awesome recipes for delicious holiday sober drinks. I’m also really excited to read a new post from Michelle, who has helped me so much through the last few months. I’m sad to hear that Jenny and witchwaysober and littlsmsjones are struggling, and want to encourage them the way I was encouraged here in this space on every single Day 1 I’ve had this past year. I want to read all about Heya Monster’s new show opening! And I want to find out how wantingsomethingbetter and The Sober Garden and Betty and Sharon are  doing. And I want to find out about Dustin John’s new book!
  • I’ve been reading about chakras, doing some chakra meditations and exercises and I’m really excited about it. I have already experienced some amazing things and I want to share them. Today was incredible.
  • I’ve been able to stay focused, calm and open at work in the middle of a really difficult stretch. We had one of what will be several difficult meetings between now and the end of next week. I’m really looking forward to my 2 week holiday at the end of the year!
  • I’ve had a few deeper, heart-connection conversations with my daughter. I’m going to keep talking to her, keep asking her to trust me, forgive me for my mistakes, know that I love her unconditionally, that I’m here for her, that she can tell me anything.

Tuesday night I went to the Christmas dinner for my division. It was really interesting being sober there. I saw a lot and found it entertaining, to be honest. It wasn’t at all hard not to drink. I even went with a friend I used to drink with for an apero before the dinner. I had peach iced tea with his first glass of wine and juice + sparkling water with his 2nd (and 3rd).

What was great about that evening was having great conversation with women I haven’t connected with before. And remembering everything. And watching other people get tipsy and be a little crazy. No one went completely wild…it wasn’t that sort of event. But amusing nonetheless.

There was a moment during my conversation with 2 other women when we started talking about Christmas holidays and family dysfunction and how family can cause the most ridiculous dramatic scenes. I was really happy they went first, because their versions of dramatic scenes were like Disney movies compared to my war dramas. I chose not to tell any of my stories! In any case I really enjoyed sitting with these women. It was great.

So, I’m off to sleep, a little too late but ah well. I have a full day of Stress Management training tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it – it’s coming at a great time and it’ll be nice to have a change of scene from the usual office hours.

Much love & light to you,

D

7 thoughts on “The Crucible, 40

  1. This whole blogging thing is for you, so if you don’t want to or don’t have time to comment – don’t. And don’t beat yourself up about it! I’d rather see a new post from you than a comment on anything I write. Glad to hear you’re doing well (and still sober! Me too!)

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Thank you for the link! 🙂 I have felt the guilt train running me over for going months without posting. Each day that passed, the worse I felt like putting it off. I learned the destructive nature of guilt at an early age. My family still uses it against me. Guilt guilt guilt. Feel bad Dustin! I am learning to talk to that side of myself. To convince it that it has no power over my choices. If you need a free copy of my book, I will get you one if you are in the USA. Let me know. I would be happy to help.

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  3. So glad you had a good time and staying sober!!
    It’s fun to have conversations we can remember!
    And make connections!
    xo
    Wendy

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  4. Dinah, you sound Good. I’m with ROE and have to say do what you need to do for you – love your comments, but would rather a post. But even that? Whatever. Seriously. No expectations. Glad you’re feeling more centered, particularly with you and your daughter’s relationship. You sound so hopeful, when only a week or two ago you were so low. I’m glad you’re in this place/space.* …. And would love to hear more about the chakra work. I am so intrigued and curious. -HM.

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  5. good to hear from you – have been wondering how you’ve been doing. stay close, don’t drift away or let that perfectionism fairy blight your existence! she’s a madam, I can tell you 😉 xx

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  6. Aaah! So that is how other people think? I’m having an epifany here. Between you and me: are you sure YOU are the narcissist? I don’t really care whether or not I post – I do post because it helps me think about sobriety and I want to log al the tiny changes that I experience. But if there is no subject, there is no subject. And yes, I do think I should read peoples post and I do, but I have also unfollowed people (yeah, well, sorry) who’s post and line of thinking did not connect anymore or who’s post stirred something in me that made me want to ‘tell them the truth’ and 😦 eh, that is not a good move, so I learned. :-(.
    I do reply when something in the post tugs at my heart. In the beginning I found it difficult to not reply when I read something because the country I am from is pretty recognisable in the statistics. And after a while I gave up on that because I don’t count (as count visits, replies or blogs) in friendship so I why would I lay standards on me I do not put on others?
    I guess I’m still a self-sentered addict when reading this. 🙂 / 😦 Hmmm, and I’m still going to put it in here to maybe supply you another view of things. 🙂
    However: if you need to write in order to be sober, that is when you need to write. Whatever it takes is what it takes.
    Hugs and love,
    xx, Feeling

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  7. Your strengthening relationship with your daughter sounds wonderful, I have my own issues there to but more because my duaghter would have preferred I hadn’t tried to make it work with her dad but now 4 yrs on we are in a much stronger better place and I feel that she has better trust in my judgement 😊
    Thank uou for the add in your post, I still find it odd knowing that there are others out there following progress, but its real nice to as feedback is also so lovely.
    Keep strong 💛
    WSB

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