a ceramic or metal container in which metals or other substances may be melted or subjected to very high temperatures.“the crucible tipped and the mould filled with liquid metal”a situation of severe trial, or in which different elements interact, leading to the creation of something new.“their relationship was forged in the crucible of war”
Sheesh. I’m not happy that it’s been a week since my last post. I’ve had to push myself today to make sure I write something here before I go to bed. This is a pattern of mine and I’m trying to recognize it before I drink again. First, I get SOOPER BIZZY. Then I start feeling really guilty about not commenting on everyone’s posts. Then I really go into the self-bashing about being narcissistic and tell myself I can’t post until I read everyone else’s posts first and comment. So I keep not posting, but then the problem only grows because there are more posts to read and comment on and well, you get the picture. It’s one of the ways I isolate from one of my only sober support systems, and I don’t want to do that.
The truth is that in many many ways I know I’m doing better, that I’m starting to get to some real healing.
- I’ve been reading some passages from the Big Book and find them comforting, remembering my years in AA a-way back when. Also remembering the people I met in the rooms and the relationships I developed. It’s lovely to remember those beautiful people and how much they loved and helped me. I was kind of a kid back then, 23-25 years old.
- I’ve been reading posts and pondering them, even without having time to comment thoughtfully. I have a whole post planned in response to e12P’s recent thoughts on counting days. I’m always thinking about my sweet friend Feeling. I’ve been thoroughly enjoying all of Prim‘s posts, including her awesome recipes for delicious holiday sober drinks. I’m also really excited to read a new post from Michelle, who has helped me so much through the last few months. I’m sad to hear that Jenny and witchwaysober and littlsmsjones are struggling, and want to encourage them the way I was encouraged here in this space on every single Day 1 I’ve had this past year. I want to read all about Heya Monster’s new show opening! And I want to find out how wantingsomethingbetter and The Sober Garden and Betty and Sharon are doing. And I want to find out about Dustin John’s new book!
- I’ve been reading about chakras, doing some chakra meditations and exercises and I’m really excited about it. I have already experienced some amazing things and I want to share them. Today was incredible.
- I’ve been able to stay focused, calm and open at work in the middle of a really difficult stretch. We had one of what will be several difficult meetings between now and the end of next week. I’m really looking forward to my 2 week holiday at the end of the year!
- I’ve had a few deeper, heart-connection conversations with my daughter. I’m going to keep talking to her, keep asking her to trust me, forgive me for my mistakes, know that I love her unconditionally, that I’m here for her, that she can tell me anything.
Tuesday night I went to the Christmas dinner for my division. It was really interesting being sober there. I saw a lot and found it entertaining, to be honest. It wasn’t at all hard not to drink. I even went with a friend I used to drink with for an apero before the dinner. I had peach iced tea with his first glass of wine and juice + sparkling water with his 2nd (and 3rd).
What was great about that evening was having great conversation with women I haven’t connected with before. And remembering everything. And watching other people get tipsy and be a little crazy. No one went completely wild…it wasn’t that sort of event. But amusing nonetheless.
There was a moment during my conversation with 2 other women when we started talking about Christmas holidays and family dysfunction and how family can cause the most ridiculous dramatic scenes. I was really happy they went first, because their versions of dramatic scenes were like Disney movies compared to my war dramas. I chose not to tell any of my stories! In any case I really enjoyed sitting with these women. It was great.
So, I’m off to sleep, a little too late but ah well. I have a full day of Stress Management training tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it – it’s coming at a great time and it’ll be nice to have a change of scene from the usual office hours.
Much love & light to you,